Epiphany: a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.
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When one follows a dream, you jump in and see what happens. The pathway was open for me to go to nursing school and everything was slowing working out. It felt like my next step in our life’s journey.
I completed my mini-mester over the holidays and started the Spring semester taking Anatomy & Physiology (A&P) and was going to start a nursing skills class yesterday to finish my pre-reqs so I could apply for nursing school in May. I told a few friends that the A&P and nursing skills classes would really be the clincher to know for sure if I wanted to become an RN. Life was crazy with the mini-mester but we got through it and it seemed okay. During the first week of regular term classes, I noticed something that was not there during the mini-mester. I had lots of anxiety that manifested itself physically…I will spare you the details!
On Sunday, (1/20), I had a realization or several epiphanies that gradually grew so big that it was impossible to ignore. We went to church that morning and in Bible Fellowship class, the topic was on marriage. (Forgive me if I don’t word this right.) We were talking about our passions in life and a teacher mentioned her passion of teaching. Our friend, Amy, also a teacher, mentioned that she didn’t have a passion for teaching so much anymore but had an increasing desire something to the effect of wanting to stay home and take care of her husband. However she worded it, something inside just said, “YES, I do too!” The lesson was good and I kind of went into the service in a fog but not before stopping by the restroom.
When I went in the restroom, I noticed a mom patiently helping her little daughter as she clumsily tried to wash her hands. I smiled and thought how much I looked forward to that someday when I could stay home with our children and show them how to do everything. Out of nowhere, it struck me, motherhood is extremely time-consuming but it’s at a much slower pace of life. (Those with two, three, or more running around excluded, of course!) You start motherhood, holding and feeding an infant and you’re not running around with your head chopped off. You’re not able to get much done but you have this little child that adores you and you get to stop and experience things with them as they see it for the first time. It dawned on me that working full-time and taking six credits was the exact opposite pace. (DUH!) No wonder I was feeling anxiety.
As the day progressed, I wondered why I was so down in the dumps, as of late. With a three-day weekend due to MLK Day, I should be happy! Once again, it struck me. I’ve always said that I wanted to stay home in the future and take care of Walt, our baby, and our house. With working, I have no time to cook or clean like I want to. I don’t feel like I’m able to give the attention I need to be the best wife I can be to Walt. Adding school into the mix just made those attempts even sparser.
Sunday night and Monday, we talked and realized that there’s no reason why I couldn’t just stay home and finally live my dream. Last week, we got news that my (and all the other contractors in the region) contract for work was probably not going to be renewed. It expires September 30th. So we decided when my contract expires, I will not look for another job. I am also not going to go pursue nursing school. (I withdrew from my Spring classes and took back my books…amazingly enough, things were flawless with that process…as if God was holding my hand the whole way…total peace.)
I have no regrets. I will not have to wonder “what if I would’ve tried to go to nursing school?” I realized in all this that I was very interested in nursing. But I realized that I was more interested in the distraction of nursing than the passion of it. I realized I wanted to attain an RN license because I couldn’t attain motherhood.
That’s extremely tough to admit but I’m thankful and blessed that I realized it now versus later.
Sarah
Restored
8 years ago
Posts
3 comments:
Welcome to the life of wife, and wife only...It is different but it is awesome. I don't believe God just calls us to stay home because we have children but because our husband and home is supposed to be our first ministry. I think you made an awesome and yet much misunderstood decision. I love it!
Hey Sarah,
I am so excited for you and this new path God is taking you down. I so very much want to stay at home and be a wife..and hopefully a mom also. But even if we are not blessed with children, I still want to be home. I want to support Brian completely.
I have LOVED teaching all these years and I still enjoy it, I am not to the point of dreading work but I do know that God is working on my heart. Now I am trying to work on my patience!! :-)
Love you and I am so excited for you.
Sarah,
one of the hardest things for me was letting go of work when Melissa came into our life. I love being around other people and I didn't know what I was going to do all day with a baby. She can't talk to me. But when the day came for me to make that step, God told me to stay home and take care of Melissa and Paul. I love this job! Enjoy your time with Walt and I hope the day comes that you can take care of your child. Hang in there!
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